Six weeks. It’s been six weeks since I had a sandwich. You see, I love sandwiches. Soft bread, crusty bread, lots of toppings, a few toppings (I’m looking at you PB & J), I don’t discriminate. They’re all wonderful little creations that I enjoy immensely. Part of joining the Nutritional Freedom program was reconciling that I’d be breaking up with sandwiches for a while, potentially a long while. Sure I enjoy pizza, burritos, toast, and the occasional beer, but I REALLY LOVE sandwiches. This would be hard. But not being able to run and race, and seeing the physical manifestations of inflammation in and on my body, was much, much harder. I could give up sandwiches for a while if it meant I could train again, if I could repair my relationship with food – a relationship that was heavily damaged over the last several years of being sick.
Five years ago, before the autoimmune flare that changed the entire fabric of my life, I was vegetarian and had been for more than ten years. I certainly held no shame for those that chose to eat meat, but animal welfare was important to me and our food system was/is terribly broken. I ate when I was hungry, enjoyed treats on occasion, and ran A LOT-50-75 miles most weeks. I was thin, fit, healthy. Having been active my entire life, I avoided the complicated relationship with food that is many woman’s experience. I knew I was extremely fortunate.
Then I got sick, and was sick for a good long while. I no longer had energy to cook, and a stressful job changed what foods I craved. Low iron levels were suddenly an issue, and a dietitian I was working with at the time suggested I start eating meat again. I thought about it extensively and decided that I wanted to be healthy more than anything, so I reintroduced meat into my diet. It was super-weird at first, and while it’s been four years since I began eating it again, I still haven’t reconciled how I feel about our food system and how we treat our animals. I am careful about what meat I purchase, and get the best quality I can find. But this was the start of my using food to heal myself, a journey that would come full-circle this fall.
As my health issues progressed, I read extensively about other women who’ve used a paleo diet, or a modified version of it called the Autoimmune Protocol, to recover from autoimmunity. Inspired by their experiences, I dabbled with changing my diet, never fully committing. Beyond being vegetarian, I’ve never excelled at following dietary rules of any kind. I bought into the “all foods in moderation” philosophy, even though this approach was clearly not doing me any favors. I’d experience small improvements in my recovery and see it as proof that I was different, that I didn’t need to take such drastic dietary measures to heal.
But then this spring happened. As I shared on social media and here on my blog earlier this year, I felt good enough through the winter to ramp up training again, to think about racing. I ran the Tenacious Ten in Seattle in April with some of my Wilder sisters and ran a local race, a 12k, a few weeks later. Both were terrible, but most especially the 12k. I walked the last half of that race because of how upset my digestive system was, eventually throwing my bib in a trash can at the last aid station before the finish. This was the start of what would be several months of significant digestive issues, issues that were made especially worse while running. Things escalated even more when on vacation with my family in early August, which effectively ended my outdoor running until joining Nutritional Freedom in mid-September. The five months it took me to seek out help is a good indicator of how stubborn I was about not changing my diet. “There is no such thing as a bad food or food group”, I kept telling myself, “moderation is healthier”!
For some people, perhaps. But not for someone who has an autoimmune condition and the gut issues that typically accompany them. I felt like I was at a real fork-in-the-road. Either I wanted to train and race again, or I didn’t. Either I wanted to continue carrying the extra 20-25 lbs I’ve had the last three years, or I didn’t. Either I wanted to repair my relationship with food, damaged by years of being sick, or I didn’t. Finally in mid-September I was tired of my own bullshit. I reached out to Claire, committed to her program – a significant time and financial commitment, and got down to the hard work of fixing what was broken.
I wrote about my first few weeks in the program and the early wins I had here. Good stuff continues to happen. I’ve been at this long enough now that following a paleo diet is not hard. I can quickly discern what I can eat at a restaurant, avoid cookies in the break room at work, find compliant ways to satisfy food boredom. Being able to run again, especially outdoors, is a tremendous reward. I’ve lost enough weight that I’ve had to take a few pairs of pants to the tailor to be altered. I don’t feel like food has a mental hold on me anymore, and even when I’m busy and distracted, I’m still able to make good decisions for myself.
About two weeks ago, I discovered that coffee was the culprit of the digestive issues that lingered, so I cut that out too. I’ve delayed reintroduction a few weeks to let the inflammation from the coffee resolve itself fully before tossing anything new into the mix. And when I do get to reintroduction, there is a lot I won’t reintroduce. There are things I know I shouldn’t be eating and foods I already know I don’t tolerate well, so those foods automatically go into the “rarely consume” category. Foods such as milk, yogurt, and gluten-containing grains. Foods I’m curious about include cheese, peanut butter (peanuts are legumes so not considered paleo), chocolate and gluten-free alcoholic beverages such as wine and margaritas. My beloved sour beers will likely remain a “rarely” food thanks to the gluten they contain.
During the six weeks in this program, I’ve thought a lot about the “there is no such thing as a bad food” movement. I’ve decided it should read “there’s no such thing as a bad food if you have a normal, well-functioning digestive system”. I believe people who promote these food-inclusive messages mean well, but seriously do not appreciate the problems that arise when you live with an irritable or malfunctioning digestive system. And how sometimes healing requires drastic measures. The more my gut heals, the more foods I will be able to healthfully tolerate. But the healing must come first. A healing diet in my case is a restrictive diet, and I am grateful that it’s a tool available to me. I refuse to feel shame because I am not eating certain foods. While I am jealous of those who can eat grains and dairy without any issues, I finally realize am not one of those people. Many of us who follow a restrictive diet do so for health reasons. Whether it be weight management, insomnia, digestive issues, acne, gallbladder attacks, diabetes, irritable bowel syndrome, Crohn’s, celiac, heart disease – or any other inflammation-related condition, many, many people are able to heal themselves through diet. Recovery for each of us looks different, especially for those of us living with chronic health conditions, but food is one of the tools at our disposal and we shouldn’t be shamed for using it. I’m getting more comfortable pushing back when I see the no-such-thing-as-a-bad-food-group messages, even though I hate to be contrary. I literally would not be running at all right now if it weren’t for switching to a paleo diet. The foods we eat is such an individual act, and there is room for all of us at the table. If women such as Kristen Boehmer and Sarah Ballentyne, Ph.D. hadn’t shared their own journeys and shown the way, I wouldn’t have known how a healing diet could help me. I wouldn’t have known that Claire’s program was the right one for me, as I could see where I needed to go thanks to Kristin and Sarah’s blogs/social media, but had no idea how to make it happen for myself. Claire provided the road map.
Six weeks remain in the Nutritional Freedom program, and once I start reintroduction, I will be getting into the “freedom” part of the show. Patience will be required, as foods that I don’t tolerate now, might be agreeable with another month or two of healing. I’m so encouraged by the progress that I’ve made so far that I can give my body the space to heal on its own timeline. I don’t need to rush it or force anything. I’m signed up for a trail race outside San Francisco in February with some girlfriends, and just want to make it to the start line fit and healthy. Without Nutritional Freedom, I would’ve been spectating. Again. Optimism has been on short supply the last four years, but this really does feel like the last climb out. Life will be different on the other side, and I’m ok with that. I’ve been deeply changed by what’s happened the last few years and my priorities are much different. But my love of running and desire to share races with my friends is one thing that’s remained. I’ve held onto it more tightly than is probably healthy, and I think a lot of people would’ve given up by now. But I’m extremely stubborn. Running that race with my friends in February would be a nice bookend to the last few years, a way of putting it behind me. And it would make 42 days (and counting) without sandwiches totally and completely worth it.
